Monsters in the Soul and a Life of Penance

Recently I had a curious dream in which I was in a movie theater watching a monster movie, yet I was also in the movie. While I knew this was a movie, I, nevertheless, was a clueless actor. I didn't know where monsters lurked or what they were.

The Jersey Devil, Champ and the Chupacabra Monster Reproduction from The Monster Project by National Geographic.

I was in a comfortable but untidy house, similar to ones of my family and myself, I must admit (no one in my family has ever received a Good Housekeeping award). The house was lived in and would have been very non-threatening except that monsters lurked throughout it. I would suddenly confront one--a grotesque face when I opened a closet door. Or one would appear around a corner and accost me. The house faced the sea which was wildly and beautifully turbulent but which also harbored monsters, I knew. I just didn't see them. I was not very far into this movie dream when I awoke, and, when I did, I seemed to be in an alternate place psychologically, as one generally feels when awakening from a vivid dream. The peace and comfort of my bedroom had dissolved and had been replaced by a sense of unbalance and a feeling of being out of sync. I was not afraid--I knew I had been dreaming--but my sense of reality was skewed. I went back to sleep as if to continue the dream, which did not happen, and when I awoke the second time, all felt back to a peaceful normal.

The dream made me think, because God does not send these sorts of dreams without a reason. Two things happened the previous day with the Confraternity of Penitents that I think played out in my dream. First, I had been corresponding with a person who had been in and out of the Confraternity many times and who was now leaving again. I think that correspondence sparked the dream as well a revision of the CFP Handbook, advised by a psychologist, who stated that convicts who apply to the CFP need to tell the leadership their crimes and make restitution for them as much as possible before going into formation.

What do convicts and the wavering penitent have in common with one another and with my monster dream? I think that both the penitent and the convict have untamed monsters in their past which are making their lives of penance difficult because they are living in an alternate reality. Untamed monsters rob us of the peace we need to persist in a life of conversion because we never know when they will leap up to startle or attack us. The monsters in our past put us on edge, and being on edge is contrary to being peaceful. Peace is a gift of the Holy Spirit, and only those at peace in their lives can embrace a life of honest penance (conversion).

So what is peace? You can be at peace if the world around you seems to be falling apart but you know Who is in control. Trusting that God knows exactly what is happening, and that nothing will happen without His express permission, is the source of great peace. Giving everything to God so that He can take what He wants, give what He wants, do what He wants with your life is the source of great peace. You don't have to be perfect to have this peace. You have to be humble and childlike and trust your Daddy.

Monsters make it difficult to trust Daddy. We know Daddy is here but we keep side stepping the monsters.What are these monsters that derail the spiritual life? Crime. Guilt. Shame. Abuse. Feelings of worthlessness or unworthiness. Anything that makes us feel bad about ourselves consistently is a monster. This is not to say that we are all good. It is to say that, if we are emotionally healthy, we will own up to our sinfulness and our bad judgments and our stupidity and give them all to God because we are only toddlers who do stupid things and run out into the road when our parents tell us not to and who stomp around in the mud and get soiled when Mother had us dressed for Sunday Mass.  As adults, we are more responsible than toddlers, but who of us really know how much sin offends God? Who of us really know how much love God has for us--much more love than Mom has for the muddy toddler whom she has to clean up before heading to church (and being late getting there, by the way, and absorbing the grimaces of prim Mass attenders who think--"She should leave earlier--she knows she has children.") God takes the blame for our stupidity and defiance, too. People have no idea what He puts up with from us because they have no idea how deep is His love.

When someone wishes to embark on a life of penance (conversion), the first step is not to send in the Confraternity of Penitents Inquirer Application. The first step is to flush out the monsters from their hiding places in the soul and either slay them or tame them. It is difficult to slay them because of our memory. But we can tame them. We can grow to be at peace when we remember our abortions. We can forgive ourselves for the nasty way we treated someone who was, after all, a child of God just like us. We can repay that money we stole from our employer when we used his paper and copy machine. We can look that self loathing in the face and say directly to it, "I did not deserve that abuse. I am a child of God. I am worthy. Leave me, Self-loathing, because God loves me."

All of this monster taming requires guidance of a Monster Tamer who can be a priest, spiritual director, trusted friend, psychologist, teacher, spouse, parent, or even an adult child. But the monsters need taming. The reality of your existence needs to expand without the monsters. You will not be successful in attaining the peace of conversion until those monsters are no longer threats. I was able to go back to sleep and wake up and find my peace restored. You will have to be awake and look those monsters square in the eye and accost them until they have no control over you any more. Pray for your healing from these. Then, leaning on the grace of God, do what is needed to achieve that healing. That is the first step of a life of penance.

--Madeline Pecora Nugent, CFP