The Scriptures are full of stories about dysfunctional families. Today’s first reading, taken from the Book of Genesis, tells the somber story about sibling rivalry. The brothers of Joseph were so envious of their brother that they detested their father’s love for him. Because they did not know how to communicate with each other, this resentment festered until they plotted together to kidnap and possibly murder Joseph. Like Cain before them, the sons of Jacob lost sight of the fact that they were supposed to be their brother’s keepers (Cf. Gen. 4:9). For many of us, this story is a hard read because it forces us to take a serious look at our own resent and jealousy issues. Family life and community relationships are delicate and often quite complex. The story of Joseph and his brothers allows us to take an objective look at how some of our own family relationships have broken down and how some of us have actually drifted apart. The longer the drift goes unchecked or addressed, the more we start harboring negative feelings and thoughts about the other family member. Unresolved family issues stifle the growth of the seeds of life-giving love that comes from forgiveness and reconciliation.
Family life is very challenging and demanding. It demands openness and honesty. Without open and transparent communication, there can only be resentment and animosity. The story of Joseph and his brothers reminded me of a period of time in my own family. The United States was enmeshed in Viet Nam, my brother was in the Navy and I was a declared Conscientious Objector. Needless to say, my brother and I did not agree upon the war. Things got so out of control that we could not stand being in the same room together. He walked in and I walked out, and vice versa. At one point, my mother had had enough of our antics and knocked our heads together saying, “I did not raise you like this. You will not ignore one another!” After a number of awkward conversations, we came to the realization that a difference of opinion did not change the relationship that existed between us. Thanks to my mother’s intervention, these conversations led to reconciliation and a stronger bond of brotherly love. Pope Francis was right when he said, “Merciful men and women have open hearts. They always excuse the other and think of their own sins” (homily March 17, 2014).
Forgiveness and reconciliation demand a great deal of grace and personal integrity. I came across this comment made by Gandhi. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong” (Mahatma Gandhi). By nursing resentments, we keep reliving painful stories that have been augmented.
I lived in painful stories and in visions of what could have been if I hadn’t been wronged. I blamed someone else for the life I didn’t have, and felt vindicated in the soul-sucking resentment I carried around from day to day.
I realize it makes less compelling writing to talk so generally, but these stories aren’t only mine to tell. They involve someone I love and have since forgiven. So perhaps the kindest thing I can do both for them and me is not retell the story, but instead create a new one: a story about letting go.
It’s a hard thing to do—to completely let go of something painful and forgive the person who may or may not have realized what they did. At my angriest point, I was convinced the person who hurt me did it with full intention and cruelty. I felt not a shred of compassion; just unadulterated pain and rage.
Then I realized: unless someone is a sociopath, they are rarely without feeling. And if they’ve hurt another person, even if their ego prevents them from admitting it, odds are they feel remorse on some level.
No one is purely bad, and everyone carries their own pain which influences the decisions they make. This doesn’t condone their thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish decisions, but it makes them easier to understand.
After all, we’ve all been thoughtless, insensitive, and selfish at times. Usually, we have good intentions. And for the most part, we all do the best we can from day to day—even when we hurt someone; even when we’re too stubborn, ashamed, or in denial to admit the hurt we’ve caused.
So how do you forgive someone when every fiber of your being resists? How do you look at them lovingly when you still have the memory of their unloving action? How do let go of the way you wish things had worked out if only they made a different choice?
I decided to consult the an on line resource to learn how they’ve moved on from anger and resentment, and the first suggestion was to remember that the offender was once a baby and to view him or her in that way. It's easy to forgive a baby.
--Father Jerome Machar, OSCO
Family life is very challenging and demanding. It demands openness and honesty. Without open and transparent communication, there can only be resentment and animosity. The story of Joseph and his brothers reminded me of a period of time in my own family. The United States was enmeshed in Viet Nam, my brother was in the Navy and I was a declared Conscientious Objector. Needless to say, my brother and I did not agree upon the war. Things got so out of control that we could not stand being in the same room together. He walked in and I walked out, and vice versa. At one point, my mother had had enough of our antics and knocked our heads together saying, “I did not raise you like this. You will not ignore one another!” After a number of awkward conversations, we came to the realization that a difference of opinion did not change the relationship that existed between us. Thanks to my mother’s intervention, these conversations led to reconciliation and a stronger bond of brotherly love. Pope Francis was right when he said, “Merciful men and women have open hearts. They always excuse the other and think of their own sins” (homily March 17, 2014).
Forgiveness and reconciliation demand a great deal of grace and personal integrity. I came across this comment made by Gandhi. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong” (Mahatma Gandhi). By nursing resentments, we keep reliving painful stories that have been augmented.
I lived in painful stories and in visions of what could have been if I hadn’t been wronged. I blamed someone else for the life I didn’t have, and felt vindicated in the soul-sucking resentment I carried around from day to day.
I realize it makes less compelling writing to talk so generally, but these stories aren’t only mine to tell. They involve someone I love and have since forgiven. So perhaps the kindest thing I can do both for them and me is not retell the story, but instead create a new one: a story about letting go.
It’s a hard thing to do—to completely let go of something painful and forgive the person who may or may not have realized what they did. At my angriest point, I was convinced the person who hurt me did it with full intention and cruelty. I felt not a shred of compassion; just unadulterated pain and rage.
Then I realized: unless someone is a sociopath, they are rarely without feeling. And if they’ve hurt another person, even if their ego prevents them from admitting it, odds are they feel remorse on some level.
No one is purely bad, and everyone carries their own pain which influences the decisions they make. This doesn’t condone their thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish decisions, but it makes them easier to understand.
After all, we’ve all been thoughtless, insensitive, and selfish at times. Usually, we have good intentions. And for the most part, we all do the best we can from day to day—even when we hurt someone; even when we’re too stubborn, ashamed, or in denial to admit the hurt we’ve caused.
So how do you forgive someone when every fiber of your being resists? How do you look at them lovingly when you still have the memory of their unloving action? How do let go of the way you wish things had worked out if only they made a different choice?
I decided to consult the an on line resource to learn how they’ve moved on from anger and resentment, and the first suggestion was to remember that the offender was once a baby and to view him or her in that way. It's easy to forgive a baby.
--Father Jerome Machar, OSCO
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